Duchess comes across like an AI penned action movie, relying on cookie cutter cliche elements of the genre. There is more to making an entertaining popcorn action flick than cool sunglasses, guns a-blazing and artificial sex appeal, much to Duchess’s steadfast belief that’s all it takes.

The story meanders along following the titular heroine Scarlett AKA Duchess (Charlotte Kirk) who falls in love with a well regarded blood diamond peddler Danny (Sean Pertwee) who appears to have wandered off the set of an Expendables sequel. The two bond over their mutual interests: money and being really really ridiculously good looking (a la Derek Zoolander). Things go awry shortly into their newfound shared life of love, lust and crime, with Duchess finding herself sauntering down a path of bloody revenge.

The actors make a valiant effort and can’t be faulted for the bland, uninspired dialogue they’re asked by the script to utter in every scene. They make the best of it, despite in moments clearly meant to be full of excitement and high stakes tension, the movie fizzles out before anything of substantial consequence can arise to captured its viewers. Halfway through the movie, it reminded me of Boogie Nights but not for the unmatched artistry of PTA. Rather it made me think of the mainstream movie career Dirk Diggler tried to make for himself, goofily stumbling through rooftop chases whilst firing guns at bad guys.

This movie serves only as an ill-advised and unsolicited tribute to the films of Guy Ritchie but lacking all of the charm, creativity and directorial savvy that make his films so unique. This movie serves only as a 3 AM Cinemax original where insomnia and boredom intertwine in the worst way and you find yourself downing Neil Marshall’s cinematic equivalent to a bottle of NyQuil. No amount of uninspired action sequences, montages or predictable plot twists can manage to save Duchess from its Descent (sigh…better times…) into immediate obscurity. With RedBox kaput, where will a movie like this movie go? Similar to the ‘if a tree falls in the woods’ paradox, I don’t really care.